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MARRIED LOVE AND SEX: SATISFACTORY SEXUAL RELATIONS
In discussing this subject, I shall not attempt to deal with the moral aspects of some of the questions that follow, for in my opinion this would be going outside the province of the physician.
1) Should a couple have sexual intercourse (coitus) before marriage in order to find out whether they are compatible? This is a matter for each couple to decide. However, it seems naive to me to believe that one can successfully test so subtle and delicate a matter. A satisfactory sexual adjustment is seldom achieved immediately. Far more often it is developed gradually.
2) Does the size of the respective organs of man and woman play an important part in the success of their relationship? No—at least, far less often than is generally imagined, because of the possibility of employing techniques that will minimize any difficulties.
3)Does having practised masturbation affect the ability to have successful sexual relations? The harmful effects of this practice are due to the fears and guilts associated with it. Physically, no damage is done by it. Almost everyone has practised some form of masturbation.
4) Does youthful petting interfere with satisfactory sex relations later on? Most normal young people engage in some sort of lovemaking that does not terminate in intercourse. It is the usual way for them to discover or demonstrate their physical attraction for each other. Prolonged or habitual petting, which requires the exercise of great self-restraint, may have a temporary bad effect. For example, a girl who is accustomed to being on guard against letting herself go too far may find it difficult when she is first married to relax and enjoy the sexual act.
5)Is sexual experience with others in the past helpful or harmful to the establishment of successful sex relations with one’s spouse? It is certainly not necessary. Experience in the art of lovemaking should ideally be obtained with one’s chosen mate. However, I think it is important to realize that loving someone requires an understanding of the fact that even past relationships have contributed to creating the person one loves. On the other hand, promiscuity, as well as the coldness that comes from repressing sexual desire, is an indication of a neurotic attitude towards sex.
6) Does a past homosexual experience mean that a person cannot have normal sex relations? According to the Kinsey report, a great many men and an appreciable number of women have had some sort of homosexual experience that did not interfere with normal sexual relations later on. However, I feel that everyone who is concerned about such an experience should discuss it frankly with a doctor or a competent counsellor.
7) Is the wedding night crucial in the establishment of satisfactory sexual relations? It can be. The bride is usually tense and overwrought, especially if the wedding was a large one. She requires the utmost consideration from the groom, who is usually nervous himself. Some of the difficulties of the wedding night can be avoided if the bride has had a preliminary medical examination, as I mention on page 180. Before the wedding night, also, the marriage partners should discuss birth control with each other. Their doctor or marriage counsellor will answer questions about contraceptive methods.
If the husband is considerate and gentle, will the bride enjoy sexual intercourse? Some young women derive no more pleasure from it than they would from any intimate caress. They may not reach sexual maturity until they have been married for quite a while. Generally speaking, women are less quickly and spontaneously aroused than are men. Both partners should realize this fact. Many women need a warming-up period before they feel a desire to have intercourse—in many cases, before they are physically ready for it. When a woman is sufficiently aroused, her vagina is well lubricated and naturally receptive to the insertion of the penis. Many women respond best to love-making that begins with verbal expressions of affection, kisses, and gentle caresses, and proceeds to stimulation of the breasts, the nipples, the clitoris (the small projection outside the vagina, which is composed of erectile tissue similar to that of the penis), and the vagina itself. Each husband should learn to know the degree to which his wife is excited by caresses of different parts of the body.
9) Will a wife always achieve sexual satisfaction if her husband is sufficiently skilful? Some women do not experience an orgasm (the climax of the sexual act), even under the most favourable circumstances. Some experience an orgasm only after they have been married for some time. Some women experience this climax only occasionally, perhaps at certain periods of the month; their desire may be of a cyclical nature, reaching its peak before, during, or after the menstrual period. Although in a man the orgasm is clearly defined, it may be vague or diffuse in a woman. Its degree of intensity varies, failure to achieve an orgasm does not prevent a woman from having great pleasure in the sexual act; it does not necessarily cause her to become tense and to feel frustrated. Men often reach the climax of their sexual excitement more rapidly than women do. The man can usually compensate for this discrepancy in timing by making certain that the woman is highly stimulated before intercourse actually begins. As a general rule, a woman’s desire fades rather slowly after she has had an orgasm whereas that of a man is apt to vanish immediately. It is not unusual, especially if a man is young or greatly excited, for him occasionally to have an orgasm immediately upon beginning the sexual act— this is called premature ejaculation. However, if it occurs habitually, he should consult a doctor. Failure to have an orgasm during coitus is rare in men—except when they are under the influence of alcohol —and should be discussed with a doctor or other trained adviser.
10) What causes frigidity in women? Failure to have an orgasm does not necessarily mean a woman is frigid. Doctors speak of true frigidity in women as the inability to derive pleasure from sexual relations. This may be caused by insufficient lubrication or lack of adequate stimulation. More likely, frigidity is the result of conscious or unconscious feelings of guilt, inferiority, or fears. In such cases, professional help is usually required to remove the underlying cause.
11) What is impotence in men, and what causes it? By impotence, doctors mean the inability of a man to have an erection. It does not mean sterility, which is the inability to have children. Impotence can be, but rarely is, due to physical causes. In most cases, it is due to such psychological difficulties as hostility to women, guilt, and fears —for example, the fear of catching a venereal disease or of being sexually inferior. Some men are able to have intercourse only with women whom they do not respect and are impotent with women they admire or love. This is usually due to their often subconscious division of women into two groups: madonnas (good mothers), with whom sexual intercourse is forbidden, and harlots, with whom it is permissible. In most cases, psychiatric help is required to solve the problems causing impotence.
12)How often should a couple have intercourse? The best suggestion I can offer is: if both partners feel well, if coitus does not cause discomfort or fatigue and is followed by physical and emotional relaxation, there is no need to worry about overdoing things. Repeated failure to be satisfied after experiencing an orgasm should be discussed with a physician or trained counsellor. The desire to have intercourse usually declines as people approach middle age. Yet some women reach the height of sexual vigour quite late in life, even after they have passed the menopause; and some men retain virility into their old age. Whether or not to have intercourse while the woman is menstruating is a matter for each couple to decide. It may cause the wife some discomfort, especially if she has cramps during her period, but it will do no physical damage to either the man or the woman. I discuss the question of intercourse during pregnancy in Chapter 12. Having intercourse does not use up one’s potency, and abstaining from it does not increase virility. However, having sexual relations several times a day regularly may decrease the amount of sperm a man produces, thus lessening the chances of having a child. Excessive interest in sex or lack of interest in it are indications of difficulties that require expert help. Never take any medicine, pill or injection in order to increase or decrease sexual desire, unless a competent physician has discovered a physical condition that requires it. Potency pills that contain hormones can be extremely dangerous. Aphrodisiacs such as cantharides (Spanish fly) are actually poisonous irritants. Alcohol does not increase desire, although it may appear to do so because it releases inhibitions. Occasionally, a tense or shy person finds it easier to relax after having a glass or two of wine or some other alcoholic beverage. But anyone who remains dependent on an artificial aid will probably find some form of psychotherapy a far wiser way of getting rid of repressions.
13) Is intercourse ever harmful or dangerous? It is extremely dangerous when either partner is suffering from a venereal disease. Intercourse and all other forms of close contact should be avoided in cases of contagious illness. Certain non-contagious diseases make intercourse inadvisable or even dangerous. Anyone who is not in good health should discuss this matter frankly with his (or her) physician.
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